Personal Journal

This journal only covers from the first day of treatment through the second treatment of CHOP. I wish I had written more but I didn’t.

Wednesday, October 18, 2000

It’s the morning of my first treatment. Eric took the day off to be with me. They say it’s going to take 6 hours to administer the Rituxan. Mom and Dad are going to watch the girls for us. Emily is having some separation anxiety and Katie is having anxiety over my health problems. It breaks my heart to see them go through this.

The treatment took longer then they expected due to my reaction to the drug. We arrived at the clinic at 9:30 a.m. They took my blood and hooked me up to an IV. After pumping me full for Benadryl they started the Rituxan. I hated the way the Benadryl made me feel…all dead weight.

I didn’t feel any different after being given the Rituxan. After a couple of hours I did start to break out in hives and ran a fever. I had to be taken off of the Rituxan and given more of the Benadryl before they started the drug up again at a slower drip. I was dead tired from being there all day. Both Mom and Eric took turns visiting me which made the day go a little better.

Before I left I talked to another nurse and she told me that they have such wonderful drugs to help with the side effects that she thought that I would have an easier time with the chemo then I thought I would. Good to know. I’m freaking out.

Thursday, October 19, 2000

My night was so horrible. I had to take more Benadryl to help with the side effects and that kept me up all night. GERR!!!! Eric had to stay home with me since I couldn’t take care of the kids. I feel so helpless. I’m OK, yet I can’t seem to get myself up most of the time. What’s going to happen when I start the chemo?

I’m so fearful of it all! I cried most of the evening at the thought of chemo. What if it makes me so sick that I can’t deal with life? What if I get sicker because of it? What if I die from it? Will it hurt as they inject it into me? I have so many questions yet how do I get them answered? I know the Lord is with me but I still sometimes feel all alone. Will he get me through this? I feel like I’m walking into a black hole with no light at the end of it to guide me.

Friday, October 20, 2000

This morning I got my pick line in. I had to go to Steven’s Hospital with Mom. I’m so glad she came with me because it was horrible! We had to go up into the new part of the hospital to get this procedure done. I saw the area where Eric was told I had cancer. I think he was siting there having breakfast. Poor guy. I wish someone would have been with him. Then again, we didn’t think it was anything.

The pick nurse was really nice. She had trouble finding a good vein. I guess I have bad veins. We found one on the inside of my upper left arm. Then, she had trouble getting it in because I had spastic veins and then she had trouble getting it across my shoulder. After a long time she finally got it in the right place which the X-Ray showed to be true. It hurts and I hate having it in. YUCK, something is inside of me!

Tonight Sheila came over and chopped my hair off. It looks OK but I miss my longer hair. I cried over this. I guess I had to mourn the loss of my hair or something. Why is this happening to me. Will I be embarrassed to go out in public?

Saturday, October 21, 2000

Today Travis, Susie and Callan are going to come to the Craven Farm’s pumpkin patch with us and Katie’s Preschool. I had to go into the treatment room to get my pick line looked at and redressed. Oooo, it kind of stung and the saline solution that they flush it out with made my mouth taste funny.

The kids had so much fun at the pumpkin patch. We played in all the stuff there and looked at the animals. Katie picked out this cute little pumpkin for herself and a white gourd for Emily. We got a bigger one to carve. She wants to carve Jessie from “Toy Story 2″ on it.

I felt like all my energy is drained from me today. I had to take a nap in order to get out of the funk. I think I’m getting Eric’s cold…not good.

Sunday, October 22, 2000

I did get a cold. I hope it goes away before Wednesday. I wonder if I will have to put off chemo? All I did was lay around the house. Not a good day.

Monday, October 23, 2000

Today I had another treatment of Rituxan. It wasn’t as bad as the first time and only took 4 hours to administer. Dad came along with me and talked the whole time. Eric brought the kids in to see me which made my day. Katie was able to see me hooked up to the IV but didn’t seem to care one way or another.

I meet another cancer patient who was on her 2nd round of chemo. She said that I was the only other person her age that she’s seen in the clinic. She was nice. I wish I could have talked to her and her husband more, but the Benadryl was taking effect and I had to go sit down. She left before I could get back to her. Her name is Debbie and she told me she was going to pray for me.

The nurse said that they’ll give medicine for the nausea before they administer the chemo and then they’ll give me more for later on. She said that I would probably only be wiped out after the first round and wouldn’t get really sick until the 3rd round. Glad to know.

I feel pretty good after this morning. Just wiped out. Eric has been working like a little bee and is doing a great job. I hope he doesn’t burn out.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

Today was my first treatment of CHOP. All went well in the morning. They had us wait for about 45 mins. to get my blood work up papers. I was really nervous about watching the stuff go into my body. Here I’ve spent 30 years keeping chemicals out of my body and now I have to put them into my body in order to save me! Afterwards Eric and I went out to eat and then to find a hat. By the time I got home I was nauseated. The meds. didn’t work. After taking more anti-nausea stuff I felt worse. I finally threw-up that night and felt better. After calling Dr. Ward I found out that I took the wrong anti-nausea med too soon and it made it worse. Great.

Well, I’m suppose to take two pills with food yet I can’t seem to eat anything. This is such a bummer. I wish it was all over and I can feel better. Today is Emily’s 7 month b-day. I can’t believe she’s that old already.

Thursday, October 26, 2000

I’m still feeling pretty bad. I was able to get a different anti-nausea med. that actually works and I was able to eat tonight. I think I’ve slept for 2 days straight. I can’t seem to not sleep. This is terrible. Tonight I found a message board to get some support. The people on it are wonderful. They don’t care that I can’t give any info and just let me vent my frustrations. I have been receiving a lot of support though so many people that Julia hooked me up with. It’s so nice since I can’t find a support group locally that will fit my needs.Gotta get some sleep.

Friday, October 27, 2000

I feel so much better today. Still tired but hanging in there. I’ve been able to eat and drink a lot. Mom and Dad took the kids on a bus ride to Northgate. I spent the morning talking on the phone to Andrea and Cindy. Felt good to talk to them. They’re doing well. I was also able to get some cross-stitching done before my fingers go wacky…if they do.

Julia and the kids came over and gave us some dinner. It was so nice of them to think of us. I think I freaked Joey out by my new haircut. It made me cry to see him so upset over seeing me. I love that kid and I know he likes me so I don’t want this to be a barrier. I’ll understand if it becomes one since he’s just a little guy.

After the kids came back Mom stayed and helped around the house. It was nice to have her around all day. I’m getting use to having company and get lonely without it. The girls have been angels which has helped. I hope I start to feel better.

Saturday, October 28, 2000

I woke up with the runs today and feel pretty bad. I thought I would get better but I’m not. I did get up and eat and did some housework which has helped. The kids are in bad moods and don’t want to do much of anything. Katie is watching Toy Story 2 and Emily is sitting in her entertainer. Will see how the rest of this day shapes up.

Tonight we took the girls out to the mall to pick up our family pictures. They turned out great! Can’t wait to share them with the family. I also got a nice jacket at Sears. Love it! We took Katie to Red Robin where she enjoyed herself. She kept on dancing to the music.

I’ve come down with the case of a mouth funk due to the chemo. The Doc. says that he’ll have to adjust the chemo next time. Eric is off getting me something to help this sour bitter feeling I get whenever I eat or drink. Will this ever end?

Sunday, October 29, 2000

Went to church today. I felt good in the morning but horrible by the time I got home. Took a 2 hr. nap which made me feel better. I can’t stand feeling this way. Eric has been a sweetheart by doing all that I can’t.

Monday – Wednesday, October 30 – November 1, 2000

These past couple of days have been great. I feel like my old self again. Had a lot of energy on the 31st. Took the girls to some outings for Halloween. What a blast!!!

Had my blood checked on Wednesday and all was well. The nurse said that I’m feeling the calm before the storm. Great.

Took my last pred. and am feeling better. It was kind of taking over my body making me agitated and all.

Thursday, November 2, 2000

OK, I’m hitting the wall. I felt so good for a while but now I’m weak. Eric took Katie to preschool and Dad will pick her up. He’ll be taking care of me until Eric comes home. I don’t know if I’m going to like this feeling! Hope it goes away soon. I do feel much better after getting up and eating. Maybe that was the key…yea right.

Well, the day went smoothly. Dad came to stay with me all day. The kids were great. Emily played for hours by herself and then took a 3 hr. nap. Katie took a long nap and has been good. Still feeling very weak but hanging in there. Mom is suppose to come over tomorrow to help clean the house.

Friday, November 3, 2000

Still am feeling weak but better. Mom came over and cleaned the house for us. She also made her stew which was yummy. Peggy V. came by for a suprise visit and stayed for about 2 hrs. It was fun to see her. I miss her a lot.

Saturday, November 4 – Wednesday, November 15, 2000

Well, the weeks have been going really well. I’m feeling like my old self. Still tired but hanging in there. The kids have been great. I was able to go to the MTO group and enjoy visiting with the ladies. On Wed. Nov. 8 I found out that the ringing in my years was an ear infection. Am taking meds that are working.

Eric cut my hair on Tuesday. It was the hardest thing to do. Couldn’t keep it any longer because it was falling out faster then I can type. We both cried and cried. Before he cut it he stopped and held me telling me how sorry he was that I had to go through this. He is such a wonderful person. I’m so blessed to have him in my life. Don’t know how he stand up to all this pressure of my illness. What a man.

Tomorrow (Thursday, Nov 16, 2000) will be another CHOP. I’m really nervous about it. Do I have to go through it again? AGG, this hurts!

Thursday, November 16, 2000

2nd CHOP down only 2 more to go. All went well. We talked to the onc. and he was able to figure out what meds would work for my nausea. It seemed to have worked better. Still ralphed all over twice and felt really bad. But, not as bad as the first time. He told us that I got a reaction like people got before they had meds. Hello, that would happen to me. Eric and Dad both took turns to help me out in treatment.

Friday, November 17, 2000

Am a little sick today but not that bad. Slept in all morning. Mom and Dad took Katie to see Noreen so we only had Emmie to take care of. Eric and I decided to take the rest of my hair off. I’m almost totally bald but the bald spot is getting bigger. It looks really good if you ask me. I’m glad we did it. The only thing I don’t like is how cold my head gets. I’m wearing a nice hat we got at Freddies at night to keep it warm. Eric showed me how to use a bandana. I think this will work out. Anyway, gotta try to get some sleep. I think my meds are keeping me up again. GERR.

Saturday – Sunday, November 18-19, 2000

Been feeling OK. Kind of tired but hanging in there. Glad this isn’t as bad as it can be.

Monday, November 20, 2000

Couldn’t sleep last night. Spent the night crying. I can’t help but ask God why this is happening to me. I don’t know if I can be as strong as He wants me to be. What does He want me to do? I feel burdened to witness to my friends. Carman told me her niece is in pretty bad shape. She’s only 15 and has Hodgkin’s, Stage 4 with it all over her body. Poor girl is taking chemo every day for 15 days. The Dr. says that if she makes it 6 months then she has a good chance of getting this. How can I be so sad about myself when there are other people who are far worse? I’ve just been feeling tired all day. Eric has been a dear and helped me. He shaved his hair for me. What a dear! — KJ

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